This Update will try to help readers see that what we call "anger with God"—their own or someone else's—might not mean the death of faith but could actually represent the awkward start of a deeper, more honest faith. Only if we can admit that we might be—or have been—angry with God, can we truly share the faith journey of a friend, relative or co-worker who finds himself or herself in that uncomfortable, stressful and lonely situation.

As we begin, some clarifications are in order. It's important to make a clear distinction between the human feeling of anger and the human decision to act hatefully toward another person or God. Also, when the word anger is used here, it does not necessarily imply hatred. It can be simply a feeling of frustration, anguish or annoyance, however deep, in face of the evil confronting us. In the Christian code, of course, it is never moral or Christ like to deliberately act hatefully toward another human person, much less toward an all-good God.

We recognize, too, that our "anger with God" is sometimes a bit of a misstatement. For often our anger is really not directed at God, but at the cancer or lightning or human behavior that strikes us, or a loved one, down. The temptation to blame God for these tragedies—or for not averting them—is often based on our incomplete understanding of God and of "God's will" (which we will discuss later) and of how God operates in nature and in human affairs. Although we don't always think too clearly at the time of tragedy, we may need to realize that the anger we first feel toward God should not, in fairness, really be aimed at God but rather at the evil thing or event afflicting us.

Keeping these things in mind, we offer the following suggestions on how to bring our anger and other honest feelings before God.

1.   Admit your anger if that's what you feel.

 Every emotion has an important function for us. It gives us important feedback about what is going on inside us. We need to see that our feelings are one thing, and our behavior in response to them quite another thing. We can decide not to face an emotion, but we cannot stop that emotion. Even if we do not freely choose which emotion to feel at any given moment, we still have many choices about how to deal with that emotion.

     Feeling angry with God, then, is not bad in itself. A person who feels angry with God has   fact, many options for expressing that anger: for example, turning one's back on God, cursing the next person who says, "Don't be angry with God," or expressing that anger honestly in prayer and coming to terms with it and with God. Because some ways of expressing anger are admittedly very destructive, we need to choose ways which truly represent our deepest Christian values.

    2.   Don't restrict yourself to "nice" feelings.

Dividing our feelings into "nice" and "not nice" categories encourages us to deny those feelings we label as "not nice." Such a denial, however, severely limits our possibilities of dealing with them.

Adults often deny the existence of conflict so that they can be "nice." But is a relationship between two people which is so weak that it cannot withstand any quarrel worth maintaining? What kind of God is so fragile that we cannot admit, as Brenda did, honest feelings of anger before this God? Who really fears such anger? God?  Or the "nice" person trying to "save" his or her faith? Such a "nice" person will probably deny the existence of many emotions which continue to work quietly but relentlessly.

If someone is angry at God because of a personal or family tragedy, denying that anger may encourage a faith which "goes through the motions" without any deep, inner conviction. Such a person may not "lose" his or her faith in the sense of becoming an atheist but may settle for a faith which refuses to face life with any real depth or honesty.

  3.  Be wary of a faith which is always "nice."

I fear a faith which is forever "nice," a faith which prides itself on avoiding any expression of anger with God. Admitting our anger with God does not destroy faith but rather forces us to clarify what we believe and why, to move from a child's faith to an adult's faith. Though refusing to admit anger with God may seem to protect one's faith, I am convinced that in the long run it does more harm than good.

In 1986, Sister Suzanne Schrautemyer went to a doctor because of a lump under her left arm. Tests showed that cancer had spread to her bone marrow. Earlier, she had undergone a partial mastectomy, a bilateral mastectomy, radiation treatment and chemotherapy. At this point, Sister Suzanne (age 39) decided to accept her coming death and discontinue chemotherapy.

Admitting her anger did not cure Sister Suzanne of her cancer, but it allowed her to live honestly, to choose how she would deal with her feelings rather than try to pretend they didn't exist. Such honesty led her to a more adult faith, to a fuller appreciation of the present moment and of God's providence. Thus, her initial anger with God led not to denying her faith or "going through the motions" but to a deeper, richer faith able to put its arms around all of life—even her coming death.

5. Be careful how you speak of "God's will."

People who refuse to admit any anger with God and who immediately describe a tragedy as "God's will" may have the best of intentions. Experience, however, shows us that people most often speak about suffering as "God's will" when they are talking about someone else's suffering.

Doesn't it make more sense to describe "God's will" as "what we know God wants"—that each person share in the divine life and reflect the image of God in which he or she was created? God wants people to be healthy and fully alive. The famous parable of the Good Samaritan certainly expresses "God's will" for our suffering brothers and sisters—that we be ready to inconvenience ourselves as we try to relieve human suffering. Glib talk about "God's will" for other people can easily excuse us from the works of compassion and mercy which Jesus praised.

God has made a world where men and women can use their freedom constructively or in destructive ways. But tragedies such as Sister Suzanne faced is not anyone's "fault" in the sense that it result from the abuse of human freedom. Her tragedy, plus others resulting from floods, earthquakes and cancer, strike saints and sinners alike. Sweetly telling bereaved people that they will he united with their loved ones in the next life may only end up shaming grieving brothers and sisters into denying the deep pain they feel right now. "You shouldn't feel that way" could be the worst thing we can say under such circumstances. Standing by them in their grief and helping them see their options for expressing their sorrow is probably the most faith-filled response we can make.

6. Express your feelings honestly when you pray.

Because most people think that prayer should always be a peaceful, serene experience, they have trouble imagining that an angry person could really pray.

If I can face an emotion like anger with God, see my own freedom in responding to that emotion, pray honestly if not elegantly, then I might be able to help a suffering person put his or her life back together. But if I refuse to recognize "bad" feelings in myself, or believe that genuine prayer is always serene, I will certainly become an obstacle to someone else's faith. Moreover, I may unintentionally indicate a path which leads not to deeper faith in God but to rejection of God or "going through the motions" of belief because that seems easier.

Praying amid my own anger or encouraging someone else to pray honestly in his or her anger may feel awkward and not much like any prayer I've ever known. From such soil, however, God may nurture a faith unlike the one I had—or the other person had—when everything went very smoothly and there was no reason to pray in anger.

7. Recognize when it's time to move beyond anger.

We become angry when we suffer a loss such as Brenda or Kevin experienced—or a smaller loss. If we try to deny the anger, we choose, in effect, to be forever manipulated by it.

Our goal is an adult faith in God—however much that may resemble or differ from the faith in God we had as children. Adults ready to grow in faith can face their anger, recognize their God-given freedom in the face of it and encourage others to do the same.

Pat McCloskey, O.F.M., is the author of When You Are Angry With God (Paulist Press).